Don't Panic Mrs T...

Over the last couple of days I have been fighting my anxiety.

The trigger for this attack was not one thing, but a number of things happening over the last month or so building up slowly.

One thing just tipped my anxiety levels over the edge. The good news was that although I had a case of killer butterflies, I did not have a full panic attack.

I was lucky that I was able to identify what was going on and could then start to work out what had caused this attack & work to calm down.

Yes it was a bit scary especially as I have not had any butterflies for a long while. However, I am now back in control of the Butterflies, and although they are misbehaving occasionally it is nowhere near as bad as it was on Thursday!

This just makes me realise how lucky I am to have the support of my DH & my Boss has been great too.

I am also thankful that over the years I have been able to develop a set of strategies that work for me. This has enabled me to identify the problem and work to get my anxiety under control.

It Happened...

DH has been down to surgery & he has been told that Sidney & Sophie have been shattered into tiny pieces.

A big Thank You to anyone who kept their Fingers Crossed this morning :)

The Drs have decided to keep DH in overnight so dinner tonight will be either McDonalds or Chinese.

During today my anxiety has been under control and not a butterfly in sight... but I have kept busy during the day - Pictures will follow tomorrow as part of WOYWW.

I'm Feeling Down

Just a quick update on DH, he does have a bigger kidney stone than before, this time it is 11mm (I just picked up a ruler and 11mm is huge!!!!).

DH was taken to surgery this afternoon and has had another stent fitted (not such so good news) and has been told that in 4-6 weeks he will be back in hospital to have laser treatment to shatter the stone. I one respect this is good news, but the timescale of 4-6 weeks takes us up to Christmas week - again not so good news.

Hopefully DH will be allowed to come home tomorrow, but we will just have to wait for the ward round to take place tomorrow. 

In the mean time to top it all off I have had a sore throat since the weekend and I have noticed this evening that the back of my throat has white patches, last time I had this it meant a trip to the Dr for antibiotics... so guess what I will be doing at 08:30 tomorrow morning!  Trying to get a Dr appointment for tomorrow, failing that I might just nip down to the local 'NHS Walk-In Centre' & just wait to be seen.

So all in all I'm feeling a bit down, added to that the silence of being in the house on my own.  My anxiety is at a level that I can cope with (about 2 out of 10) so not a big deal, but I just feel like sitting in a corner and crying my eyes out.

On a final positive note... Tomorrow WILL be a better day.

I just needed to sit down and quickly write an update about DH's Kidney Stone. 

For something so small it causes a lot of problems... Before the surgery DH & I spoke with the Consultant and he gave us a plan of action.  As DH had not had any contact from the hospital since being discharged (despite being told he would have an appointment within 1-2 weeks) he contacted them.

The plan has now changed, but nobody told us!!!!  On Monday I will be taking DH to one of the local hospitals for them to use Ultrasound to shatter his stone.  DH had a long chat with one of the Drs from urology last night who explained the procedure in detail.

On one hand it is good to know that something will be happening, on the other hand the whole process will not be a nice one, especially for DH.  Not surprisingly he is getting rather anxious about the whole procedure - in turn this is rubbing off onto me.

I am trying very hard to stay positive, but it is not always easy.  I  know that if I start thinking negatively, my anxiety could spiral out of control - and it has been so good lately.  DH needs me to be strong, but if my anxiety grips hold, I focus totally on me & me alone.  So I MUST remain positive, regardless how helpless I might feel and regardless of how anxious DH gets before/during Monday.

In the mean time I am asking for any spare Angels to help us both and thinking POSITIVE thoughts:

• 'On Tuesday it will all be over'
• 'I am a strong & loving person'
• 'I won't let the anxiety drag me down'

Finally all I can say is.... Roll on Tuesday!

A New Day...

Despite being alone in the house I did sleep very well, as an added bonus I did not sleep through the alarm this morning either :)

Looking back on what happened yesterday afternoon/evening something has just hit me - I did not suffer from the Anxiety and butterflies that I have in the past.  Yes, I was worried about DH and don't like to see him in pain (especially when I can't do anything about it!), but the butterflies did not make an appearance.

This is something which has been with me for so long that I did not really notice that they were not there yesterday - it is something that I realised this morning.

This is not only good news, it is GREAT news!!!!!!  I'm not going to analyse why there were not there but I will celebrate that they were missing - does that sound strange???? Well even if it does it sounds right to me!

Memory Lane

Originally Posted at the Beginning of August 2011...

I have just been looking at Prompt 2 of the Blogging For Scrapbookers course by Shimelle Laine, so after a bit of thinking here is 'Post 2'.

I remember a picture of me sitting on a boat, taken some where on the Norfolk Broads while on holiday with Mum & Dad.  I'm not sure, but I think that I might have had a book in my hands (that happened a lot back then :) ). I would have been about 19 or 20 as the holidays on the boat were after my anxiety came to the surface.

Edited: I could not find the picutre I remembered, so I asked my Mum to have a look.  It turns out that the picutre I remembered was with my Mum sitting on the boat and not me - but I know that I did the same thing during the holiday (and yes Mum was reading as well :) ). Here is the picture any way, as well of one including me...

This is the original picutre I had in mind - but featured my Mum and not me

I am on the left and my Mum is on the right - Dad would have been behind the camera

Looking back on that picture my thoughts go in 2 different directions:

1. What I was like then - I was shy, timid and would not have said boo to a goose.  I was struggling to live with my anxiety and at times I could not see any light at the end of the tunnel.  My main escape was reading, when I got lost in a storyline my anxiety would just melt away - until I returned back to the real world!!
2. What I am like now - I would not only say boo to the goose, I would probably tell it off too LOL.  Yes, many years later and lots of hard work later, I have finally won the battle with anxiety.  I still have my bad days, but on the whole I have made it!! My life is different in so many ways & I am able to cope with things that would have sent me into a shivering wreck back then.

I really must find the photo I am thinking off and create an electronic copy, if nothing else to find out if I did have my nose in a book.

Looking back to myself then, would I have ever thought that I would be sitting here now writing my feelings & memories in a Blog? - let alone have got married, traveled around the world and done 101 other things that are part of normal life!

NO WAY!!!!! - the me you see now has been shaped by all of my experiences over the years, including the anxiety. 

I can see things changing in the future, after all the world changes and we have to adapt too.  But change does not scare me like it once did, I now embrace change and move on to bigger & better things.

Time to Chill Out

DH has now been to see the Dr, the outcome of which is a referral is to be sent to the Hospital & another blood test on Friday... the good news is that the Dr does not think that the problem is serious, however they are still worried - hence the referral.

Our main concern was that something was seriously wrong,  the Dr has put our minds at rest (slightly) and said to carry on life as normal and wait 2-3 weeks for a appointment from the Hospital.

As much as I hate the waiting and not knowing what is happening the fact that DH has not been admitted to Hospital now is partly reassuring.

So in the mean time, life goes on and hopefully the anxiety will chill out for a bit - I know that it will still appear from time to time until we get a definite answer on what is wrong.

Anxiety on the Loose

Over the past week DH has not been too well, after a visit to the Dr he was given antibiotics for a Bladder Infection.  They have now done a full set of tests (the problem still persists) and DH has now been told that it is not an infection. 

He needs to see a Dr to get more details - he now has an appointment for tomorrow at 11am.  In the mean time my anxiety has started to go crazy imagining the worst (as you do).  All he has been told at the moment is that the Dr will need to send a referral letter to the Hospital.  As you can imagine DH is now also thinking the worst as well!

I know that in reality there is probably a simple answer and it is only something minor... but my brain does not work that way and I can only think of the possible major causes.

When we know what is happening and causing the symptoms I will be able to cope, it is the not knowing which causes my anxiety levels to go out of control.  I have the flutterbyes as well as occasionally feeling sick. 

I think it is now time to get on with Stuff at work to take my mind away from all of the negative thoughts flying through my brain at the moment.

RAF Waddington Air Show

Well today is the start of the build-up for RAF Waddington Air Show. DH has taken all of the Kids to RAF Waddington to meet with a group of disabled children who are attending today.  He has taken his camera with him and I will add any photos later.

As for me I'm at work today, tomorrow is when things start for me.  For the last 13 years DH, myself and friends from Cambridge spend most of the weekend at Waddington.  We have a Charity Stand for the Raptor Foundation at the Air Show... for us (and the Birds) it is hard work.

This year things will be slightly different, our friends are not able to attend this year and the Charity is sending up other volunteers (who we don't know).  Unfortunately this unknown element has not helped my anxiety levels, although at the moment they are lower than I was expecting. 

I am getting the odd twinge but it is not too bad.  I am mainly getting what I call the ‘flutterbys’ (a tensing in my stomach) at this level I am able to cope with the anxiety and use diversion tactics.

Tomorrow (Friday) afternoon the team is due to arrive from Cambridge, we then will spend the afternoon getting set up and familiarising ourselves with the birds they bring up.  We try to get an early night, but this rarely happens!

On Saturday we arrive at Waddington for about 7am to get all of the birds out and the stand set up for the public, if we are able to leave site by 8pm we will be lucky.  All of the time in between is spent talking to public about the birds and the Charity.

By Sunday we are shattered and back at Waddington for about 7am.  From about 5pm we are able to start packing up, hopefully we will be off site by 8pm and heading home. 

As for Monday, DH has to go to work, but I will be at home recovering :)

I'm not sure if I will get chance to Blog during the weekend, if not I will try to catch up on Monday and add a few pictures.

If anyone reading this is due to attend the Air Show please come and find the stand and say 'Hello' we are going to be outside Hanger 2 - Just look for lots of Owls!

Living with Anxiety

I was first told that I was suffering from Anxiety back in 1994, back then I found that I was having major problems coping with life.  The strange thing was that while at work everything was fine and I felt good about myself and what I was doing.  The problem came outside of work, I had no 'Get Up & Go' in fact it had vanished!  I got home from work and went up to my bedroom, came out to have dinner with my parents, then went back to my room.

Eventually my Mum dragged by to see one of the GPs at our local Surgery, the result was that I was suffering from Anxiety.  There were 2 options available at the time: Tablets or a Anxiety Management Course at the local Hospital.  I knew that I did not want to go down the tablet route, so my GP referred me to the Hospital. 

Eventually I was offered a place on a course, each course lasted approx 8 Months with regular visits to the hospital.  There were about 12 people on each course and all of the meetings were based around the group, you could however arrange to see the individual staff if needed, but it was felt that members of the Group will also support each other.

Anxiety can mean many things to different people, as a group of 12 in the first session we had to list the symptoms we had been experiencing... we covered 3 pages of Flip Chart Paper, the amazing thing was that all of the symptoms were individual, none were duplicated.

My Anxiety was (and still is) anticipation based, my anxiety levels get higher closer to significant events - even events I am looking forward to.  As for my symptoms, compared to many they are mild - a tense feeling in my stomach, not being able to concentrate, my mind feels as if it is racing at a break-neck speed (but I can't slow it down).  When it gets really bad then I start feeling sick & don't want to eat (but knowing I have to).

During the course we were shown different ways of coping with Anxiety, some ways worked, others did not.  One thing that did work with me was putting 'pen to paper' (or fingers to the keyboard) and to write how I am feeling, to write down my fears and to try and put them into perspective - not always easy.  The plan is to use this Blog as somewhere to put my anxious thoughts - and possibly receive extra support in return.

Over the years I have met many people who also suffer and live with Anxiety.  Most of the time 'I Live with Anxiety' but sometimes it does take over and I then 'Suffer with Anxiety' until I get control back again.

I hope that I don't end up adding too many posts with the label of 'Anxiety', but this weekend is RAF Waddington Air Show & my anxiety levels are starting to creep up the scale! So there will be a few more posts this week.